If I could turn back back time

God I don't know what it is, maybe it's because it's nearly 2012, or that it's been so long ( 2 years ) since I've had my accident but I would just reaaaaaally want to go back in time.

And if I did I would either go back to my childhood, when I really didn't have a single worry, not one. Or go back to about me being 14/15, when I didn't really do my homework and still got high enough grades so that didn't really matter, I also had a really cool class and everyone just got along.

I never really thought about it , but even with boy-trouble, dad-trouble and other not so fun things, I was happy. And looking back, I think the key was, I was confident, I didn't care what people thought, or I just forgot it really soon.

See I've been bullied when I was about ten, and going to high school was a big step for me, I was so insecure and scared of getting bullied. Of course I hid it all with a big mouth and funny jokes, but as the years went on I was more at ease and around 14 I was just ,me . I had nothing to hide.

And then at 15, boom.

My life hadn't 'changed' I describe it as it wasn't my life anymore, and it hasn't been my life for nearly two years now.

I'm in pain, every day. I will tell you a secret, I don't know what it's like to have no pain anymore, seriously it's been so long I don't know how it feels to have no pain.
And I certainly don't know how it is to have no worries, because god I've been through a lot these years. If somebody told me the day after my accident that I would have this many set backs I would have said, I am not going to do this, period.

But here I am and I've made it this far because of my hoping and believing, because every time I had a set back I thought this is the last set back, and it never was, but I didn't know that.

Now it's almost 2012, and January 7th is the day of my accident so that's kind of a thing for me, this year I held a party because I wanted to ''celibrate'' me surviving that year. And also because I thought it would take 2 years for me to get better, so I was ''half way there''.

Well I'm not better so no celibrating that date this time, but more like damn you 7th. But even though I'm gonna curse that day, I am going to make all the other 364 days of 2012 count. And celibrate those days, because it's life and I can't say no to life. And I can't say no to all the set backs, they are part of my life as much as the happy moment and I have to fight through all this shit now, because I owe it to everyone and because I owe it to myself.

Wow I wasn't even trying to be like this, sorry it just came out ;)

A little sunlight through my rain



Well helloooooo I'm wearing a new dress from H&M, you can't see much but it has little deers on it so great for these winter times. I'm not feeling well, I'm in a lotta pain but I won't bore you with that. Anyway I might do another outfit post later this week.


Let's fly let's fly away

 Baby it's cold outside!
And perrrfect weather for my aviator jacket, I've been wanting one for about 3 years now, but a lot were too expensive, or so fake. This one was a winner, although it's not a Calvin Klein or a Burberry or Acne. It will do.
In the mean time I'm gonna keep saving for one like this:

And hope I'll like like this in it.

Well you're just gonna have to do it with my ugly head and my surrogate aviator. 'cuz im onna budget haha

Have a nice sunday !


Lay it on me

Omg, the layering on this woman is just to die for. Makes me wanna check my closet for something similiar, but afraid I won't find any hehe. I'm thinking about doing outfit posts again, maybe if I ask me brother for his camera very sweeeeeeeeeeeeetly he'll say yes. yay.


Marry the night

Still sick :( anyway, this photo I've posted before like yeaaaaaaaaaars ago. So this is what I do when I don't like making a photo or have a case of "now dead camera and probably not gonna live camera untill I get a new camera but first need money" you know just the usual

aaaaaanywho, when I'm better I'm gonna pick up my ''healthy eating'' again, 'cuz I've been eating a lot of sweets for my throat. And pick up ..... running.

And then it's helloooooooooooo sexy lady and I can wear whatever the hell I want, from say American Apparel. Seriously have you seen those models, it's just not fun.

In the mean time I'll have to do with my jeggings, COS jumpers and veeeeeery cheap shoes
And you'll have to do without photo's of that, and we all know that's because of 
"now dead camera and probably not gonna live camera untill I get a new camera but first need money" thingie



Come on skinny love just last the year

 I'm sick AGAIN god damm, I'm so angry and sad, because everytime I start over, two weeks later I get a set back, and that for the past 3 years orso, you can see I'm getting tired. So a whole lotta this and this:

Instead of a whole lotta this:

Sweet lord I hope for a better 2012, because this makes me wanna give up, but I'm not gonna, just gonna go to sleep and new goal: That every tomorrow I'll be healthier than today.


My day

So I just got back from a run, in the Dutch cold.
I'm so proud of myself yay.

I went to school today, had a run and now I'm going to Ikea, jeez I'm exhaused, but satisfied :)

Did everybody hear about the next collaboration from H&M with Marni? Now this is something I'm veeeeery excited about.



those sunglasses have me at a loss for words

I'm gonna try and find a pair like these.
I'm dying my hair brown!
My camera is dead and Im real busy so my posts kinda suck haha



I am

I found this somewhere, I underlined what applies to me

I am shorter than 5’4.
I think I’m ugly sometimes. 
I tan easily.
I have a bad memory.
I wish my hair was a different color.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
I have/had braces.
I wear glasses.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
I have more than 2 piercings.

I have piercing in places besides my ears.
I have freckles.
I’ve been kicked out of the house.
I have a sibling less than six year old.
I want to have kids someday.
I’m in school/college
I have a job.
I’ve fallen asleep at work/school.
I almost always do/did my homework.
I drift off a lot.
I have big dreams.
I’ve missed a week or more of school. 
I failed more than 1 class last year.
I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
Disney movies still make me cry.
I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
I think of stupid things to do.
I was born with a disease/impairment.

I’ve gotten stitches/staples.
I’ve broken a bone                                                  
I’ve had my tonsils removed.
I’ve sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
I’ve gotten a ride with someone I don’t know.
I’ve been on a plane. I’ve wished on a shooting star.I’ve seen a meteor shower.

I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
I’ve been to a casino.
I’ve been skydiving.
I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator. 

I’ve gone skinny dipping.
I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour. 
I’ve had dry rum shots.
I’ve been skiing.
I’ve been in a play.
I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
I’ve seen the Northern lights.
I’ve sat on a roof top at night.  
I’ve played chicken fight.
I’ve played a prank on someone.
I’ve ridden in a taxi.

People have only liked me cause of my looks.
I’ve been used a lot.
I’ve gone on a blind date.
I’ve used someone else.

I’ve broken someone’s heart.
I miss someone right now.

I know someone who has committed suicide.
I have a fear of abandonment.
I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

I’ve had a crush on a teacher. 
I am a cuddler.
I’ve kissed a boy.
I’ve kissed a girl.
I’ve kissed more than one girl.

I’ve been kissed in the rain.
I’ve hugged a stranger.
I have kissed a stranger. They kissed me.
I’ve been called a slut.
I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
I’ve snuck out of my house.
I am keeping a secret from the world.
I’ve cheated on a test. 

I’ve been suspended from school.  
I’ve witnessed a crime.

I’ve had people who wanted to bash me. 
I’ve been arrested. 

I’ve helped a friend who has passed out from alcohol.
I regularly smoke cigarettes. But not anymore.
I’ve tried smoking cigarettes. 
I’ve taken painkillers when I didn’t need them.I’ve eaten shrooms.
I’ve popped E.
I’ve inhaled Nitrous.
I’ve done hard drugs.
I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
I have at one stage in my life been diagnosed with depression.
I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
I shut others out when I’m depressed.
I take anti-depressants.
I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
I’ve hurt myself on purpose.

I’ve woken up crying.
I’m afraid of dying.
I hate funerals.
I miss someone who I know isn’t coming back.
I’ve seen someone dying.

Someone close to me has committed suicide.
I’ve planned my own suicide.
I’ve attempted suicide.

I’ve written a eulogy for myself.
I own an iPod or MP3 player.
I regret things I’ve done in my lifetime


Wants that are WITHIN the BUDGET

H&M poncho 19,95 euro, to get that isabel marant native america feeling
 turtleneck, 5,95 euro

gloves 7,95 euro, to jazz anything up

 and cut this into top for summer, cuz i want a leatherlook shirt/top for summer

I'll leave you with my ultimate look of the moment:

And for colder weather:

And a liiiiiittle colder:
lottalove XOXO