18-12-11

If I could turn back back time

God I don't know what it is, maybe it's because it's nearly 2012, or that it's been so long ( 2 years ) since I've had my accident but I would just reaaaaaally want to go back in time.

And if I did I would either go back to my childhood, when I really didn't have a single worry, not one. Or go back to about me being 14/15, when I didn't really do my homework and still got high enough grades so that didn't really matter, I also had a really cool class and everyone just got along.

I never really thought about it , but even with boy-trouble, dad-trouble and other not so fun things, I was happy. And looking back, I think the key was, I was confident, I didn't care what people thought, or I just forgot it really soon.

See I've been bullied when I was about ten, and going to high school was a big step for me, I was so insecure and scared of getting bullied. Of course I hid it all with a big mouth and funny jokes, but as the years went on I was more at ease and around 14 I was just ,me . I had nothing to hide.

And then at 15, boom.

My life hadn't 'changed' I describe it as it wasn't my life anymore, and it hasn't been my life for nearly two years now.

I'm in pain, every day. I will tell you a secret, I don't know what it's like to have no pain anymore, seriously it's been so long I don't know how it feels to have no pain.
And I certainly don't know how it is to have no worries, because god I've been through a lot these years. If somebody told me the day after my accident that I would have this many set backs I would have said, I am not going to do this, period.

But here I am and I've made it this far because of my hoping and believing, because every time I had a set back I thought this is the last set back, and it never was, but I didn't know that.

Now it's almost 2012, and January 7th is the day of my accident so that's kind of a thing for me, this year I held a party because I wanted to ''celibrate'' me surviving that year. And also because I thought it would take 2 years for me to get better, so I was ''half way there''.

Well I'm not better so no celibrating that date this time, but more like damn you 7th. But even though I'm gonna curse that day, I am going to make all the other 364 days of 2012 count. And celibrate those days, because it's life and I can't say no to life. And I can't say no to all the set backs, they are part of my life as much as the happy moment and I have to fight through all this shit now, because I owe it to everyone and because I owe it to myself.

Wow I wasn't even trying to be like this, sorry it just came out ;)

A little sunlight through my rain

2 opmerkingen:

  1. Wow, wat heftig van je ongeluk, maar echt vet goed dat je het omzet in iets positiefs en er een feestje van maakt! Zouden meer mensen moeten doen ♥

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  2. stay strong! you are obviously a rockstar to have made it this far without giving up! xx sylvie

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